Browsing Month: September 2018

MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES

MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES

Welcome to the wonderful world of Mid Life Crisis!! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journey’s you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! Here you can learn “how to” answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it’s time to get this Roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!

Chapter 1

Choosing the correct speech

There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:

a. I love you, but I don’t know if I’m in love with you.

b. I’ve never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.

c. We got married to young. I never knew anything besides you.

d. You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.

Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.

Chapter 2

Lessons in building anxiety

You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.

Lesson 1

Monstrification of your Spouse

This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the “bad” things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those “angel” spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she/he always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.

Lesson 2

This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don’t care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn’t too hard was it? On to lesson 3

Lesson 3

Mass confusion and Indecision

This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying “I don’t know” to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.

Lesson 4

Lies and Deceit

To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and deceive at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can’t prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.

Chapter 3

The Other Person (or OP)

Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women/men want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don’t admit it ever, if you can get away with it. If you do get caught rub it in his/her face. For extra points pick a married OP with a family. Drag as many people as possible into your crisis.

Chapter 4

Cake Eating

This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, …